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A Graceful Man, A Gentleman

 
 
 
 
 















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Sunday, January 31, 2010

A Graceful Man, A Gentleman

Thanks everyone for all your great suggestions on books about modern manners. I can't wait to get a few and brush up on a few things before my next big dinner party.

For me, this is blogging at it's best. Being able to create a community of individuals that share information and ideas that can make the community as a whole a better place. Thank you.

One of the things I mentioned yesterday, was the "manner" of a person. "Manner" or "grace" is not something that you can learn from a book. Unfortunately, it is something you just have to be or to develop.

A great scene of modern grace on '30 Rock' the other day:

Liz and Jack went out to dinner at a very chic restaurant. As they sat down at the table, Jack immediately moved the candle from the center of the setting to the side of the table. Liz looked at him kinda funny, not understanding why he did that but, not really caring either. Later, however, when Liz reached across the table to steal some of Jack's food (as she always does), she realized he moved the candle so her sleeve wouldn't catch fire when she reached across the table. Jack's manner and grace were so attuned to her as a friend, that he knew her moves before she did. That tiny gesture ended up becoming the pivotal moment of the episode and changed the course of their business relationship.

I'm telling you guys again, women notice the small stuff. They notice the gentleness/gentlemenliness more than if you use the right fork at dinner. I'm a very lucky man, Garance notices every little kindness I offer her, she doesn't miss a thing. Knowing that makes it so much more rewarding to do even more little things for her. I'll be honest, my biggest obsession in life right now is not better shoes, more suits or a bigger career but, to simply be a more graceful man for my graceful woman.

So women, in the spirit of grace, manner and Valentine's Day, take a moment and share with us men some of the little kindnesses that your man has done for you that made your heart flutter. Us men might learn something and you might gain an even more graceful man, a gentleman.

Editor's Note: For my gay readers, I can only write this as I know it, a man loving a woman. Don't let this keep you from joining the conversation. If you have tiny acts of kindness from a boyfriend to a boyfriend, or girlfriend to a girlfriend, please share with us!
Grace is Grace.
It doesn't matter who you're lovin', it's how you're lovin'!

posted by The Sartorialist at 6:16 AM

Comments on "A Graceful Man, A Gentleman"

 

Blogger Vinda Sonata said ... (10:17 AM) : 

interesting and thoughtful post, scott. i really enjoy what you wrote there, and first of all i'd like to say that you and garance make such a lovely couple. i'm such a fan of both of you.

as for me, that amazes me a lot when a guy cares so much about the girl's stories and even problems, that kind of guy gives me the impression that he is matured and smart. :)

Vinda
fashion atelier.

 

Blogger Emilie said ... (10:18 AM) : 

This is such a beautiful post!
I try to notice every little thing the man I love is doing for me, he does the same, and it helps us to be happier!

 

Blogger A Daily Pinch said ... (10:21 AM) : 

My husband and I have just discussed this in the last two weeks. He came home from a business trip and instead of saying "I am so glad to be home", "It's so good to see you", anything. He started complaining about work. As soon as he was in the car from baggage.

To make a long story short, we had a discussion about "the little things" and since then, he has made much more of an effort to be like the charming boy who won my heart a decade ago.

It really is the little things that count...

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:22 AM) : 

He ensures that each time we cross a street and are walking on the sidewalk that he is on the traffic "street" side. So gallant

 

Anonymous willworkforshoes said ... (10:22 AM) : 

i absolutely love you and garance together. and thank you for such a fabulous post!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:24 AM) : 

and if i may add, Sart, is is WE men, not US men.


WE might learn something, not US might learn something.



now i guess i could have said that more gracefully!

luv you!

 

Blogger Patricia said ... (10:26 AM) : 

When my brother was 14, he was kind of a punk in a way that only 14-year-olds can be. On Valentine's Day, he surprised me by getting a rose from our garden, clipping off the thorns, and presenting it to me at breakfast.

What I loved most about it wasn't the flower, it was the gesture. Of him trying to figure out how to be a man that could be thoughtful as well as tough.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:27 AM) : 

The way he puts his hand at the small of my back

 

Anonymous Joe said ... (10:28 AM) : 

Sart -

Well done piece. I have yet to read anything be it a mens/women magazine, newspaper style sections, etc.. about manners and grace. I think I actually learned that from my parents at a very young age, and living abroad from youth to adulthood (amazing what you can observe from other cultures).

Problem is though, I think a lot of people lack it so much, it's not even thought of. Sad really.

Thanks for the reminder. Maybe all the Sart family on here will stop and think about it. It might actually make your day a tad brighter.

Cheers.
Joe
USA

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:30 AM) : 

Your Editor's Note was as graceful as I've ever read. Bravo from a happily married woman!

 

Blogger Judith Ross said ... (10:32 AM) : 

This is a great post Scott. But sometimes those little things aren't as glamorous as holding a door or moving a candle but they make your life so much better. Here are a few things my lovely husband of more than 25 years does for me:
-Puts out my vitamins every morning before we leave for work
-Routine car maintenance
-Shops for food
-Cleans the bathroom without being asked
-Goes to the doctor with me when I am scared
-Loves the dog as much as I do
-Is an amazing father and good friend to our adult sons

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. Beautiful post Scott. Thank you and Happy Valentine's Day!

 

Blogger Rose. said ... (10:32 AM) : 

My graceful man, a couple of freezing days ago, prepared a beautiful fire, for me when I'll get back home, after a day of boring work.
I opened a bottle of red wine and we shared it by the fire.
It was kind of happiness and very peaceful.

 

Blogger Risa said ... (10:32 AM) : 

My beau (of a few months) had plans to leave town for a couple of weeks during the holidays, so we planned to have our little holiday celebration a few days prior to his flight. I have a fireplace and he agreed to pick up an easy-light fire log on his way to my home that night.

When he arrived, I opened the door and went back to cooking. It took a few moments for me to realize that while I was finishing dinner, he was carrying in a box of half a dozen easy-light logs and two enormous bundles of firewood and proceeding to unpackage them and put them away in the bin next to my fireplace.

All he said to me about it was simply, "You might get cold while I'm gone."

He didn't make a big production of it. It was a simple, graceful act that told me so much.

 

Blogger joojierose said ... (10:34 AM) : 

my utterly lovely boyfriend has been the epitome of grace and kindness to me for the last 2 1/2 years - not just i notice it, but all my friends and family as well. he's just gentle and kind in a very quiet way, like always carrying all my grocery bags for me, or even my purse, without even a word or complaint. or waking up with me (even if he doesn't have to for his schedule) to make me breakfast or tea. you are absolutely right - it is his subtle kindness to me that make me fall in love with him so ardently.

so thanks for posting this - here's to grace, kindness, and love!

(and thank you for mentioning 30 rock - haha! :)

 

Anonymous pinkpajamas said ... (10:34 AM) : 

So sweet, and so true. Thank you!

 

Blogger John said ... (10:36 AM) : 

Hi - Love your blog.

One idea you might want to look into is the really long history of manners / grace / gracefulness -- I'm thinking back to Castiglione's conception of "sprezzatura" in his book The Book of the Courtier (1528).

An English translation published shortly after the Italian original translated the Italian sprezzatura as "nonchalance," which is a pretty sweet idea.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:37 AM) : 

Sweetest post ever, Scott! My man leaves handwritten (and illustrated!)notes for me all the time - he's often already at work when I get up in the morning, but there's almost always a note for me, and not just saying mundane things like "I let the dog out" or "we're out of milk." And we've been together for 5 years and have a rambunctious 2 year old! This little gesture gets me every time...

 

Anonymous alice said ... (10:38 AM) : 

It's all about the small things.
It's easy for a man to do something special every now and then, but providing for the small stuff in a daily basis is what makes the difference for a woman. Simply because this shows that he pays attention to her and recognizes that her needs are important to him.

Being a gentleman is a matter of detail.

 

Blogger Lauren said ... (10:41 AM) : 

Garance is a lucky, lucky woman. You are a true gem, Sart.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:42 AM) : 

My love is abroad right now, but he has hidden gifts for me around our home-- a bottle of cabernet atop our kitchen cabinets, bars of chocolate taped to cabinet ceilings. Every now and again he'll say, "Go look...," and have me giddy and laughing over my great new find. His thoughtfulness is limitless. I feel so loved, and so boundlessly thankful for this man, for his presence during his absence. Love you, honey, if you're reading this.

 

Blogger Heelsandcigarettes said ... (10:42 AM) : 

It's been a pleasure to read your text...You expressed everything perfect..I really appreaciate every little kindness my husband gives to me..

 

Blogger Larissa Gargaro said ... (10:42 AM) : 

It doesn't even have to be a boyfriend - just by smiling at a stranger, or holding the door for the next person getting in the room... those are the kinds of things that simply make my day.

Gentileza gera gentileza.

 

Anonymous Jenny said ... (10:42 AM) : 

A former boyfriend of mine once downloaded the movie "the lionking", knowing it to be my all time favourite and then made me popcorn to go with it. We curled up on a matress on the floor by his computer and sang along with all the songs. That's the best date I've ever been on. The smallest favour but the sweetest thing in the world at the same time.

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (10:42 AM) : 

I work four days a week from 7 am-6 pm. After we enjoy a nice dinner, my boyfriend (who doesn't live with me) offers to do the dishes, knowing that I have to go to bed early and get up early. He doesn't do this every so often, he does this almost every day. How lucky I am!

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (10:43 AM) : 

liz and jack....hah! love it.

i think manners are so important. i'm so glad you took the time to post this. 2 things worth saving these days, language and grace.

 

Blogger TTT said ... (10:44 AM) : 

To love is to learn!

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (10:45 AM) : 

Wow Scott, so very well put. I love the '30 Rock' reference as well. Love that show for the humor and the honest subtleties that you pointed out. What I love about my husband are things like the manner in which he encourages me to make my yoga class on time even though the kids aren't bathed yet. He takes over so willingly and yes, gracefully. That means more to me than any conventional gesture.

Reading your blogs, I love the relationship I sense between you and Garance. It seems truly genuine, very what you see/read is what you get. I look forward to reading them.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:46 AM) : 

Good for you. What a great post!!

What makes my heart flutter is that my man is a feminist, and encourages other men to be.

It's still a man's world in many ways; 'feminism' is not a dirty word and we should all be advocating equality :)

plus, it's sexy.

 

Anonymous Jennifer said ... (10:47 AM) : 

My boyfriend of six years sends me sweet SMS messages every once in a while. They are always totally unexpected protestations of his love for me and cause me to break into a huge smile every time. The most recent was "I've been crushing on you lately." To know that he not only loves me, but is still IN love with me is truly awesome.

 

Blogger Rob Boddice said ... (10:49 AM) : 

To have this come from you is of no little importance. Gentlemanliness, a subject which engages me personally and professionally, might be considered a lost art. Those with influence can do nothing better than publicly to promote its cultivation, or else to lament its absence. Kudos.
beingmanly.blogspot.com

 

Blogger Cosima said ... (10:53 AM) : 

I have to say, not only we love you for the beautiful images you provide, but also that you can tell they come from a very special kind of gentleman. Lucky Garance. ;)

Cheers from Argentina. Hope you visit us sometime

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:54 AM) : 

When my boyfriend and I leave for work in the mornings, he often heads out to his car before I do. When I get to my car to leave, the snow has already been brushed off for me.

-J in Michigan

 

Anonymous Laura said ... (10:56 AM) : 

I think you're completely right! i love striving to be a strong independent woman, but i also want a man who doesn't make me feel smaller by "taking care of me", but when manner and grace are innate to him you only feel better and appreciated.

 

Blogger Rambling Tart said ... (10:56 AM) : 

My man is overseas at the moment. When I was sick a few weeks back, he rang me up, made sure I was tucked in bed, then began reading aloud to me from one of my favorite books. It's those loving, thoughtful gestures that garner my deep respect and make me want to hug him so tight. :-)

 

Blogger Fun and Fearless in Beantown said ... (10:57 AM) : 

What a beautiful blog post! There are a few dresses that I wear that I have a hard time zipping up or off. My boyfriend always helps me by unzipping it for me when I get home from work or from the evening. He always unzips it (without me asking) and gives me a small kiss on my upper back. Everytime. It is a small gesture but one that reminds me of how lucky I am to have someone who shows me such a small gesture of kindness but yet filled with so much love.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:58 AM) : 

During a very stressful and busy week at school, my then-boyfriend snuck into the parking lot while I was in class, and slipped a single red rose into my car door handle, leaving me to discover the little treasure at the end of the day.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (10:59 AM) : 

This is poetry. Thank you for reminding me, that I'm not the only one left out in this crazy world of ours.

 

Anonymous marlie said ... (11:00 AM) : 

The most graceful man I know (I'm a woman) is my dad. I see it in every interaction that he has with my mother - the way he helps her with her coat, touches her back as they're walking, and brings her coffee in the morning -- something he's been doing for over 35 years.

Also, since my birthday and Valentine's Day coincide, my father always remembers to give me a card and flowers, and to remind me and my sisters that he'll always love us.

While I'm generally not a fan of the commercialized Valentine's Day, I'm always pleasantly reminded that the love that is supposed to be celebrated doesn't have to be romantic love, and that has always been because of the little things that my father does.

(I also think that my dad is a great fashion icon. Because he's a carpenter, he doesn't get to dress up very much, but even in work clothes, he always looks "put together." And when he does dress up -- look out! He looks classy and timeless and sophisticated, without seeming like he's trying.)

Can you tell -- I think my dad is awesome!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:01 AM) : 

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and his everyday kindnesses are short "i miss you" emails and nightly phone calls, dream dates ie meet me in my dreams. But the best thing ever was last valentines day - he sent me flowers, but not real flowers because they die and it makes me sad. He looked up an origami tutorial on youtube and made me a bouquet or purple origami flowers (stems and leaves and all) and he sented them with his cologne.It was thoughtful, different and took planning. (He also made sure to post it so that I would receive it on Valentine's day)He never ceases to surprise and amaze me.

 

Blogger Marie said ... (11:02 AM) : 

Giving me a hug when my bottom lip begins to shake. Letting me chose take the better seat in restaurants. So many I can't quite list them but here's two to start...

 

Blogger JouJou Loves You said ... (11:02 AM) : 

Waaha..LOVED the last line of the post. You should write more often!

 

Anonymous Christian said ... (11:03 AM) : 

Of course!
Every italian man knows that!

 

Anonymous cynthia said ... (11:07 AM) : 

the things my boyfriend does that I appreciate:
- calls me from the grocery store to see if I need anything
- leaves earplugs on my side of the bed because he snores
- rubs my feet when we're watching TV
- puts nice soap in the shower when I spend weekends at his place
- lintbrushes me before I leave in the morning
- learned how to make my tea just the way I like it

2 things: I'm a lucky woman and my boyfriend is OCD! :-)
-cynthia

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:08 AM) : 

Scott, this is a lovely entry. Garance is beyond lucky to have found such sensitive sentiments in an American man! I wish you were the norm, but, alas....

Manners are supremely important and being well-spoken is, too. For all who wish to use our language better, (and we older women hope you do) the best advice is to read, read, read!

May I correct a small typo in your last paragraph? You noted " Us men might learn.....". I'm sure you meant to write "We men might...."

 

Anonymous Gayane said ... (11:08 AM) : 

Grace, evident in your photos as well as your words. Thank you for sharing this bit of wisdom with all the men.

 

Anonymous Tathyana said ... (11:09 AM) : 

Never underestimate the most 'basic' or 'common' form of gentleman manners. Eg: holding the door open, offering your seat, but always do it with a smile. The smile will make her feel like a million dollars.

I'm not a touchy-feely person and don't like public displays of affection which sometimes make me feel like the most unloving person in the world. And it doesn't help that I don't smile a lot. But, I do like it when my boyfriend holds my hand when we're crossing the road, when he leads me up a tram or a bus, or when he helps me step out of the car. Again, his smile tops it off.

 

Anonymous Faiza Brunner said ... (11:10 AM) : 

My husband has been placing the heating pad (which i got from my parents-in-law for Christmas) on my side of the bed under the blanket every night before i get into our bed. As a result, I am all warm and toasty and dream off into slumberland in no time! This simple gesture is so thoughtful especially since it's been freezing here in Switzerland the past couple of weeks. I know why I married this wonderful man!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:11 AM) : 

Like Omar Sharif (who is my ideal of what is the consummate gracious man is) real grace comes from a deep respect for all people and a deep respect for yourself.

Your photos are filled with this sort of graciousness. Thanks for this.

Vivian

"Everyday, think as you wake up: Today I am fortunate to have woken up. I am alive. I have a precious human life. I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself to expand my heart out to others for the benefit of all beings." Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet

 

Blogger Q-Laffa.com said ... (11:14 AM) : 

Really one of the most great articles i have ever read for the relationship between men & women. This is such a true. Such a rare treasure, which few can see & fewer have the courage to show it & express it naturally! You & your woman are lucky & you hold the key of hapiness in this life! Once you find that to someone..do not ever let go! Thank you for posting it..

Love NastaziaQ

q-laffa.com/blog

 

Blogger RetroVintageModStyle said ... (11:15 AM) : 

Great post! I very much agree with all that you've said; style and class are something that you just can't buy, you're either born with it or acquire it by your own will after some time and effort.

Small details make a big difference and impact!

Retro Vintage Mod Style

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:15 AM) : 

I must say, I think I have the most graceful boyfriend of all. In a "Prince charming goes modern" kinda way. Carrying my heavy luggage whenever I return from my trips, while he hands me a rose for me to hold :-). Or getting little postcards with poems. Or the way he knows when I get hungry (and I get moody when I get hungry) and he magically gets a cupcake out of his bag. But these are all graceful manners. What he does most that makes my heart flutter is the loving way of being himself in my presence. And he has no idea how charming he actually is :-)

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:16 AM) : 

Very sweet! You are so right. My boyfriend always, always opens my car door for me. It's just a small little thing that shows he is always thinking about me and i know he will always 'be there'.

He cooks all the time, and often makes me a little amuse bouche while I'm waiting for dinner. It's the little things that matter. I will always remember these little gestures while I may not always remember what he got me for Christmas.

I believe a man is truly seen in the little day to day gestures-not the grand ones.

 

Blogger TheHypeAround... said ... (11:17 AM) : 

I agree with you completely. There are few things finer than being a gentleman.It is an art that should be encouraged daily, either by word or deed.

Manners and grace are like those gloves that your Mr.Barbera was wearing: refined,beautiful and subtle

www.thehypearound.blogspot.com

 

Anonymous Andrew J said ... (11:18 AM) : 

Valentine's Day a couple years ago I planned this special evening where I kinda went all out. I got red (jasmine) scented tea-light candles and put them throughout the living room and a couple in the bedroom and then bought a boquette of roses and took a couple of the buds and took the petals off of them and made a walkway back to the bedroom. Then sprinkled a few on the bed (okay, yes, I took a few notes from Hollywood) and then on the bed I had my Valentine's Day present and a box of chocolates waiting. After that. I had prepared a very special dinner (and I do NOT cook) and a nice bottle of wine. Turned out to be quite a bit of work, but the look when the door first opens is 100% worth it!

-Andrew J.
http://MeAndMarisa.wordpress.com

 

Anonymous sugarxnspice said ... (11:22 AM) : 

I always appreciate it when boys hold the door, offer their help to carry heavy things, and the smallest things - it really tells how gracious and well-mannered they are, and in turn, (for me at least), it shows how kind-hearted he is.

PS. Garance & you make such a lovely & stylish couple, I'm so happy for both of you, Scott!

 

Blogger Vitrinen said ... (11:25 AM) : 

If only all people thought it over that well and appreciated other people doing small stuff for them, the world would be a much better place.

I agree, noticing our woman (or man) and being gentle is always rewarding.

 

Blogger Charles said ... (11:28 AM) : 

Excellent points Scott. Thank you for the insight. It is a refreshing contrast to read kernels of wisdom amidst a myriad of photographs.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:31 AM) : 

I usually don't share the blog sites i visit with my boyfriend but this article...I just had to - to send him in the right direction so to speak..He has been lacking in mannersat present :(

This is the first time i have posted but have followed your blog religiously since i stumbled across it a few years back.

You are an inspiration! <3

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:33 AM) : 

I think it is nice when a romantic interest does it, but even nicer when it is a friend. I find men who want to sleep with me, or are sleeping with me, generally are on better behavior. That is very nice and I appreciaet every moment of it.

However, when a male friend reaches out to see how I am doing after a bad day, or offers to open my door etc. That is really a sign of being a well raised man.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:33 AM) : 

You are absolutely right about gentleness, kindness, friendliness. Give it to your wife, the most precious person on the world. And give it to your waitress, to your secretary, to the elderly lady or the young mother on the tube. Gentle men can be so elegant!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:35 AM) : 

He gave me three babies, he changed their nappies, he cooks our meals, he brings me tea in bed. When we go out, he holds open the door, helps me with my coat, carries my heavy bags. My man has more love and grace in his ways than anybody I've ever met.

 

Blogger Tristan said ... (11:35 AM) : 

I learnt to listen better. Active listening is difficult. If you listen actively you'll pick up a lot of your woman's desires and needs without having to read her intuitively and through feel. Women rarely say things directly, they like to hint, they like to play.

So pay attention.

Tristan

 

Blogger Stephanie Hillberry said ... (11:36 AM) : 

I am so pleased that manners seem to be making a comeback! I am currently writing a blog series "on being a lady," and this post fits perfectly with my theme. Thank you for drawing attention to a timeless topic! I'll be sending my readers to this post today!

Stephanie Hillberry of Deviantly Domesticated

 

Blogger Arina said ... (11:37 AM) : 

I helped my boyfriend through a tough surgery lately, waiting on him hand and foot and back and all other bodily organs.

It's been stressful on me and my schoolwork and life in general.

Last night I was doing some work with my dad and he dropped by late at night with a giant bouquet of flowers, my FAVOURITE flowers that I have maybe mentioned to him once in our relationship. Perhaps a year or so ago. And he remembered.

It's not even the giantness of the bouquet that got me, it's that he remembered why those particular flowers are so sentimental to me.

*fluttery sigh*

Great post. Makes me appreciate my man. :)

 

Blogger Chelle Lynn said ... (11:38 AM) : 

Every morning we walk each other to the front door and whoever is leaving first will turn around after a few steps and we blow kisses to one another.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:45 AM) : 

Thank you so much, Sart. This just might be the most important item you have posted on your blog. We are all fascinate by the pictures you post and can get so caught up in the images of saying I want that bag, that shoe, that dress, that suit, etc. We forget that all these things are trappings that divert from the true being of ourselves. Manners and grace cannot be learned from a book, but can lead to a foundation to help us mature and become bette human beings (Stylishly dressed, of course ;~)!)

 

Anonymous Madame H said ... (11:45 AM) : 

Scott, I am crying. In the midst of trying to decide whether to save a marriage that has all but failed or end it mercifully, your post has made me stop and think and reading the other comments has made me realize that there is still love there. There is still grace. When I think it is done and we have both given up, I wake up to a pot of fresh made coffee, when he only drinks tea. When I think he has failed to notice I am around, there is a new fire in the grate, when he is heading out and only I will be there to enjoy it.

Thank you for the reminder. Thank you for the memory of grace.

 

Blogger natalie haddox said ... (11:45 AM) : 

I am a design student, and often stay up late working. On the mornings after, I will wake up in bed to see a cup of fresh coffee sitting on my nightstand, placed there by my boyfriend. A small gesture that shows he knows my needs before I even do.

 

Blogger Odin's Maven said ... (11:49 AM) : 

Ah, this post and all the comments so far have really made my heart sing! As many people have said here, it's not the grandstanding, textbook romantic gestures (often done more to satisfy the self-image of the doer) but the subtle, unshowy acts of kindness and thoughtfulness which knock you out.

I got together with my new man when we were both on holiday in lovely, snowy Slovenia. As our interest in each other developed, I began to notice how beautiful his manners were - and I don't mean knife-and-fork etiquette but little things which made me feel a few inches taller. Nothing glib or smooth about his behaviour, just a gentleness and grace made me feel I could entrust him with my feelings. So far, my instincts have been proved right.

The only way I can describe him to my friends is, 'he's a *real* gentleman'.

 

Blogger Jo said ... (11:49 AM) : 

Its not always What you do as much as the spirit in which you do it. I asked my husband to wash a few dishes last night. He did it, after whining and pouting a bit. I still appreciated it, but not nearly as much as I would have if he would have done it without pouting. Or better yet, if I had not had to ask at all!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:52 AM) : 

My husband Mark is one of the most thoughtful men I know.

I will not list everything here but one of my favorites is how he notices when I am getting hangry (hungry/angry)and just subtly gets me a little snack to set my mind straight again.

It really is the little details that make you crazy about a person!
NB

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (11:57 AM) : 

It even goes beyond the man/woman thing. Helping someone across the street, holding the door open for a stranger who has heavy bags, help carrying a stroller up the subway steps etc. And always with a smile.

 

Anonymous just me said ... (11:58 AM) : 

I love when my partner walks on the outside/traffic-side with her hand on the small of my back.
I love finding my favorite chocolate bar in my purse with a post-it note to say I love you.
I love it when we are ordering dinner somewhere and she knows to order mine the exact right way--without the things I dislike.

small gestures are the finer things. they show us that our partner truly IS paying attention, even when we sometimes think they aren't ;)

excellent post!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:01 PM) : 

I HAD a boyfriend who did a lot of thoughtful things for me. I took him for granted. It's only in retrospect that I see how thoughtful he really was. I will not make the same mistake again if I am lucky enough to find another keeper.

 

Anonymous M said ... (12:02 PM) : 

When my current boyfriend and I first started dating I was sort of iffy about him. Funny enough, the gesture that won me over was, when waiting for a bus, I looked away for no more than a second and in that moment he very gently kissed me on my shoulder. I didn't even feel his weight on me, and had I not turned just in time to see him pull away with his lips puckered and eyes still closed, I would have never known that moment had happened. It's as if, in that instant, I was able to see the way he sees me through his eyes.

Gentlemen, if you could do more of these simple, hidden gestures, there'll come a time when your beloved will catch on and I can gaurantee it will melt their heart.

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (12:07 PM) : 

My boyfriend of several months (though it also seems like I've loved him forever) and I are in a long distance relationship. We're both beer geeks and we have beers together on the phone a few times a week. Over the last few months he's made it so that we have matching beer glasses--so we can drink the same beers out of the same glasses at the same time. Every time I see them in my cupboard, I fall in love with him all over again.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:08 PM) : 

What a timely and refreshing post, Sart. For myself, my beau displays grace and gentle kindness every day. Here are a few of the things he does that mean the most to me:

-giving me a kiss on the forehead each morning while I'm sleeping
-walking me home from work at night
-laying out our vitamins, cups, and silverware for breakfast the next day
-holding my coat up for me while I put it on
-pulling out my chair for me at restaurants
-reaching out to offer his hand for stability when walking down a snowy or icy road
-surprising me with my favorite candy bar for no reason at all
-making (a very delicious) dinner when I'm too exhausted to do so

...and so much more.

One thing I find remarkable about my beau's kindness is not so much that he IS kind, but that it has made me want to express my love in similar ways. I find myself being more courteous, loving, and romantic as a result of my beau's loving ways. Grace changes us in ways we never expect.

 

Anonymous moi aussi said ... (12:09 PM) : 

My husband does everything he can to support my fledgling writing career. He always has. Even when we had no money.

 

Anonymous Christopher said ... (12:09 PM) : 

This post reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Elaine meets Mr. Pitt for the first time and takes a shot at having "grace" by acting like Jackie Onassis.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:13 PM) : 

The thing that impressed me about my future husband was his grace and thoughtfulness in dealing with all, male or female, weather or not he was interested in them romantically. He was never overbearing in this, never made anyone feel badly for not having the same thought. His gestures never felt patronizing because they were not directed only at women. This, to me, is grace.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:14 PM) : 

In the end of August my boyfriend started bringing me fresh hot chocolate in the morning and leaves it on the bathroom counter when I'm about halfway through my shower. Fresh hot chocolate straight out of the shower on a cold autumn/winter morning! It's only a couple times a week and doesn't require a word, but it's the reason I love my gentleman.

 

Anonymous Dana said ... (12:15 PM) : 

My husband always opens the door for me. Whether it be to the car or entering a building. I sometimes jump ahead and open the door (it's the independent streak in me) but he will catch the door and hold it the rest of the way.

 

Blogger ita darling. said ... (12:17 PM) : 

my gentle souled significant other always keeps an eye on me from across the room at parties- not only asking to refill my drink as needed, but also tempering his own drinking so he can always be clear headed enough to drive me home or extend his arm while i'm teetering about in my 4" heels!

and then i get awoken the next morning with homemade soy lattes to clear the martini fuzz out of my head!

 

Blogger Arlenesfelt said ... (12:27 PM) : 

My sweet husband turns down the bed every night for me, and makes sure the electric mattress cover is on so it's nice and cozy as well. He is a thoughtful man in more ways than I can list. He considers his main job, making me happy, and he's good at it. We are together almost 50 years, and I am very lucky!

 

Blogger superdeluxe said ... (12:28 PM) : 

I will never forget working my first night shift at my first nursing job with a bunch of unfriendly nurses (have you heard the term "nurses eat their young?"), and coming home at 7:30 to find my boyfriend at the time had made me a fancy fruit salad and baked french toast. After a long night of taking care of patients, I felt so cared for! He was also very kind to my cat, even though he wasn't an animal person (and the cat had a bizarre habit of jumping directly on his groin as soon as we'd dropped off to sleep), because I loved the cat. It's the little things that show love, rather than flowers and jewelery.

I'm sorry to say that I took those things for granted at the time. With age comes wisdom!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:28 PM) : 

I was working around the clock one fall and I muttered at some point about being cold and that none of my sweaters fit me anymore due to my around the clock working weight gain. A week or two later I came home around 10 pm and found three sweaters laying out on our bed. He'd gone shopping for me - and he never goes shopping. He said he'd return any of them I didn't like, but obviously they meant more to me than any other sweater and I kept them all. It was the kindest gesture.

 

Blogger Dees said ... (12:29 PM) : 

This is the sweetest post. Made my day.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:30 PM) : 

He always always opens doors for me. Makes me sit in the car while he loads the groceries in the trunk (rain or shine)and brings them into the house. He shares in the housework and at 46, is learning to cook "because you work too hard and need to come home to relax."

He takes my shoes off everyday when I get home from work and rubs my feet. Sometimes I come home and find he's taken my foot spa and has it ready to go and gives me a complete foot massage.

He tells me I'm beautiful or gives me some kind of compliment EVERY DAY.
He brings me coffee when I'm getting ready for work.
He actually listens; I commented I wanted an exercise ball and a few days later there it was.
He doesn't criticize me. I don't think I've ever heard him say anything negative about me, ever.

It's not the occasional grand gesture of love that makes a difference. It's the everyday little things that reveal the truth. His innate kindness to everyone makes him the most graceful man I know (next to my Dad who is cut from the same type of cloth).

 

Anonymous Lucy Gregory said ... (12:35 PM) : 

I have to admit to not being one to normally comment on posts, but I had to with this one! I have to admit that this post brought tears to my eyes! I love the everything to do with love and gentleness and kindness. Sentimental thoughts just make me well up inside. Therefore to know that there are men out there who want to do those things for their women is the most beautiful thing-ever!
Luckily for me, my other half thinks I'm soppy, but I can tell he secretly agrees! :D

Thank you for a beautiful post and a great start to my day!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:37 PM) : 

I adore your blog - the photos are beautiful and unique, as are the people and the sentiments expressed. I try hold out as long as I can before looking each day, to prolong the anticipation.

One lovely, lovely little thing my man does for me is to always be the person who gets up in the middle of the night when our baby wakes up. He travels often on production, so for him to always take on the 4am shift when he's home is such a simple but perfect way to show that he cares.

 

Anonymous darlene said ... (12:39 PM) : 

Great post! Manners are the result of thinking of the other person and anticipating what they might need help with.

I appreciate how my husband goes out into the driveway early on cold winter mornings, starts up my car, de-ices the windshield and turns on the heater so that by the time I need to leave for work, the engine is running, I can see where I'm going and the car interior is comfortable.

 

Blogger Sarah said ... (12:46 PM) : 

I enjoyed this a lot. I wanted to plug my husband for second. We have a 9 month old, and I'm a new stay at home mom...when the baby has been up all night and I'm tired out of my mind..my husband comes home in the morning's (from his work as a cop on a midnight shift), he will get the baby up, feed the baby, pick up the house, unload the dishwasher and start laundrey all as quietly as possible so that I can get an extra hour sleep. It's amazing. He'll do it even when he's been beaten up the night before (ear infections are never good for hearing someone coming in the dark).

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:48 PM) : 

I was sick and missed yesterday--what a wonderful post. I used to always wonder why my dad would suddenly change sides when walking together. Finally asked and he told me it was because a gentleman always walks on the outside so that a woman doesn't get splashed from the street. After that I never dated another man that didn't know it!

thanks so much!!!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:54 PM) : 

Being able to sustain that grace even during the ups and downs of being with someone matters too. My husband of almost 40 years sets a cup of coffee beside my bed each morning. I have no diamond ring, or showy gifts, but his constant kindness that is offered even when I'm in a less than charming mood remains. It's what brings me to my senses and reminds me of what really matters in a relationship.
Reading these posts is a lovely way to commemorate Valentine's day. Thank you for starting the conversation.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:54 PM) : 

Last night I was craving a burger. My boyfriend, tiered after a long day at work, simply ran out in the snowstorm to get one for me. It's the small things that count. Luckily I know at least two more men like this: my father and my brother. And reading all these posts makes me happy. Because it means more people enjoy such expression of love every single day.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (12:59 PM) : 

A note to Larissa Gargaro on your Italian:

You meant to say; "Gentilezza genera gentilezza", kindness begets kindness, in English.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:02 PM) : 

i was in buenos aires for work and my husband surprised me by showing up at my hotel. before i had left for my trip, i was stressing out because my facial toner kept leaking i didn't have time to go out and buy a different bottle to put it in for traveling purposes. he remembered that i had complained about it, and when he showed up at my hotel he had purchased a little 99 cent plastic bottle filled with my toner. it's the little things!

two days later, he proposed.

 

Blogger lizzy said ... (1:06 PM) : 

thank you for sharing your thoughts, mr.sartorialist, and how exquisitely expressed they are. i see little value given to manners & grace in modern-day-life although my eyes are always wide open, wildly enthusiastic about the little things, acknowledging these virtues when i see them. sometimes it is in the prosaic,
in my car being warmed up & the ice scraped off as i prepare for work.
it is in the way he acknowledges waiters & waitresses & servicepeople when we're out. being grateful. being courteous. being liberal.

 

Blogger Caleb said ... (1:08 PM) : 

I was taught by my mother to hold to door for others. When I was a young teenager I once held the door for a woman who misunderstood me and rudely asked if I was holding the door because she was a lady. I was terribly embarrassed and didn't say anything. My mother told me I should have said, "No, I'm holding the door because I'm a gentleman."

To my fellow gentlemen, your significant other is telling you what to do for her but most of us are not listening. It took me a while to realize this and start paying attention. I've started keeping a private list of ideas for gifts, dates, etc. When she mentions something or when I think of an idea that I think she'll like I add it to the list so that it doesn't get forgotten.

 

Anonymous Chrys said ... (1:13 PM) : 

J'adore ce post, Scott. Toi et Garance êtes si élégants....! Et je ne veux pas dire seulement dans votre manière de vous habiller... L'élégance se perd et c'est bien triste. J'espère qu'on réflexionera tous un peu plus là-dessus.
Merci pour ce post et .... pour ton élégance!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:13 PM) : 

All of these comments, and the original post itself, are beautiful: some of them made me feel genuinely touched.

Although I don't have 'a man' as such, I would like to put forward all those male friends I have which I seem to attract (being quite boisterous a lady!) who mean a lot to me. We're still all young and quite silly (university students) but old-school grace is still very apparent, even if it's manifest in modern situations. They often act in ways which they don't realise are gentlemanly or graceful, but:

Holding me up when I've worn beautiful, stupid shoes out on an icy night in the North of England

Standing in front of me when people at a gig are getting rowdy, so I don't get trampled on

Making me a cup of tea just the way I like it, despite the fact everyone else has it how it comes

This is another form of love that we should show and celebrate on Valentine's day, like Marlie suggests about the love of her father.

I hope everyone has a lovely Valentine's day, thank you as well for an inspiring and celebratory blog.

EBS

www.sliponline.co.uk

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:16 PM) : 

The simple way he looks at me and our son when I'm holding the baby is all. And the fact that he will do everything concerning house work whn I have my period, without me having to ask him...

 

Blogger kpf said ... (1:17 PM) : 

This is wonderful. I couldn't agree more. I remember seeing Jackie O put her arm behind a very old gent who was too near the edge of the dias. No fanfare, just put it there just in case. The little things. My husband grocery shops (and picks up special treats for me), makes coffee and serves mine just as I like it, warms the car in winter, serves food to the children and me which is beautifully "styled", has never told me my breath was bad or something didn't become me, calls me beautiful. The Italian book by Castiglione someone mentioned is the one the Earl of Oxford loved and because I'm an Oxfordian - believing he wrote Shakespeare plays - I believe that is the reason he never took credit for or signed (like the Economist) his name. The book says a gentlemen does't take credit but works quietly serving the world.

 

Blogger kbfenner said ... (1:17 PM) : 

awww fiddlesticks--you got me all choked up. What a lovely post!

I live in the deep South, where traditional chivalry never died--for good or ill. I love it when a man uses traditional decorum--opening a door, standing when I enter a room, and when he treats me with at least the same respect he treats his fellow men. Generally my gay male friends have the very best manners of those fronts, BTW--no need to be "hearty."

 

Blogger Virginia G said ... (1:18 PM) : 

Beautiful post.

Well said!

Off to forward this on to, well, everyone...

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:19 PM) : 

Whenever we went to a hole in the wall asian restaurants, a guy I used to date would make me chopstick stands out of it's paper cover so I wouldn't have to rest the chopsticks on the table surface throughout the meal. funny how small gestures like that just drive us women wild!!

 

Blogger Melissa said ... (1:22 PM) : 

my husband has been opening my car door for me since we were dating, and he still does it, after 4 years of marriage.
and then I reach over and unlock his side for him.

it is a small and beautiful thing.

 

Anonymous simone said ... (1:24 PM) : 

I love this post. Sometimes it's the little unexpected things. My husband was going out of town for a few days and he surprised me and my daughter with gift certificates for a cupcake shop, a pedicure and sushi so we'd have something fun to look forward to over the week. That was just lovely.

 

Anonymous SarahO said ... (1:30 PM) : 

The best thing we can do for each other is love and cherish . . . even when times are tough.

My husband graciously, and without the tiniest of grumbles, gets up with our toddler in the morning (and sometimes the baby!).

He makes me laugh constantly, reminding me always that life is to be enjoyed.

When I am frazzled he remarks on how hard I work, or how organized I am. When I'm feeling grubby he only sees (or speaks of) beauty.

Truly an amazing man.

Thank you for reminding us to take stock.

 

Blogger craiglaurence said ... (1:40 PM) : 

thanks so much for taking your blog to a whole new level, the discussion of grace and relationships is beyond timely, as are your photos, and have provided my day with a few tears and expansive joy that I have no desire to let go of, please continue in this vein when the oppurtunity presents itself, thank you for a glorious gift in time for valentines day.

 

Anonymous BabyBird said ... (1:42 PM) : 

I will admit that I got a bit teary-eyed whilst reading these postings. The heart-swelling-up-cry-at-weddings kind of teary-eyed....

Anyhow. Just last night, I was complaining about the wretched weather and how it's making my skin incredibly dry and irritable. My bf immediately asked "Do you need me to lotion your legs up for you"? He then immediately got up, got some moisturizer and gave my embarrassingly dry legs some much needed attention. That's just one example of his genuine thoughful love and care for my well-being.

Have you ever felt so much love for someone, that you sometimes think that your heart is going to explode just from looking at them?

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:42 PM) : 

I echo some of the sentiments above: this post brought me to tears! I'm especially thankful for your editor's note, Scott. Valentine's Day is usually overwhelmingly hetero-focused and it's hard to not feel excluded.


My girlfriend knows I like to sleep in a bit in the morning, so she always wakes up earlier to shower and prepare breakfast. That extra 10-15 mins make me feel refreshed and super loved.

 

Anonymous Appelsin said ... (1:49 PM) : 

I wish I could say the same of my fiancé. He does so many things for me (among the others he's supporting me while I'm an unemployed student) but something I can never expect from him is these small little gestures.
In four years he never got me flowers for example. Or did anything at home without me asking 10 times for it.
But I guess it's ok... he would be too perfect otherwise.
I just miss all this sometimes though.

 

Anonymous Siri said ... (1:49 PM) : 

What a lovely post :)

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (1:50 PM) : 

Wonderful post and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

One of my favorite quotes defining what a "Gentleman" is (or Gentlewoman, for that matter):

"I thought a "gentleman" was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible."

The movie "Blast From the Past"

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (1:50 PM) : 

Scott,

Your recent blog entries on grace have been wonderful. In life, it truly is the little things that mean the most and add richness and character to our existence.

Many thanks for extending that courtesy.

 

Blogger Carly said ... (1:53 PM) : 

My partner gets up very early in the morning, whereas I like to sleep in an extra hour or so later. Sometimes I'll forget to put my sleeping mask on in the evening, which blocks the light when he turns the lights on in the morning. On the mornings that I forget he will insist I keep my eyes closed while he finds it for me and hands it to me in bed. It's such a sweet simple thing to do and I love him for it.

 

Blogger Brae Howard said ... (1:55 PM) : 

We trash picked a nice wooden crate the other day and he insisted on carrying it for me. He lights my cigarette and always kisses me on the cheek when we first meet.

 

Anonymous mira said ... (1:55 PM) : 

When I read, "to simply be a more graceful man for my graceful woman" my heart fluttered. That's truly one of the sweetest sentiments I have seen expressed in a long time.
All the best to the two of you.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (2:06 PM) : 

The way my husband shows affection to my mother putting a hand on her shoulder, how he leans down his head so he can hear what my petite friend is saying, how he blinks towards me when our eyes cross at crowded places, anytime he waits for me to be ready and smiles although we are late and says you are the prettiest girl at the party baby.
In other words, everytime his gestures show his care, concern, respect or affection for himself or anyone around him, those are the times his charm shows and it just leaves me breathless.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (2:06 PM) : 

This post certainly made my day. I am in a long distance relationship. Currently things have been hard, but reading this reminded me to thank God for what I do have. I pray my relationship is for now until forever, but reading this reminding me that recognizing the beauty in the good and the bad is what sustains us.

Thank you for your blog. In addition to great photography, The Sartorialist radiates with the beauty of the human experience; from the fashion of a fine tailored outfit, to the beauty of a simple smile. Godspeed.

 

Anonymous Stacey said ... (2:09 PM) : 

I think the small gestures go a long way but there is a flip side as well. I think saying 'thank you' for every small gesture is important. When I was dating someone long distance, and I visited, he would always carry my suitcase from the car to the house. I always thanked him...even if it was a few hours later because I had, unfortunately, forgotten. He would always cook while I visited and I always thanked him. With the small things comes appreciation. It's a two way street.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (2:14 PM) : 

My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. Last night when I walked into the bedroom, after taking almost an hour getting ready for bed, he looked up at me and smiled. That made my week and it's only Tuesday......

 

Anonymous princess glee said ... (2:16 PM) : 

When I'm on my way home from work and planning to make a chicken cutlet salad for dinner, my husband will take the lettuce out of the fridge so it will be at room temperature when I arrive. He knows I don't enjoy cold lettuce because it makes my teeth cold.
I snuggle up to his neck and say thank you.

 

Blogger The Big Burbs said ... (2:16 PM) : 

The first thing he did when he came home from work last night was to put on the new socks I'd just finished knitting for him. I love how he behaved like a kid at Christmas.

 

Blogger TayMills said ... (2:18 PM) : 

It's sometimes hard to see small beauties in other people and in the world at large. Reading your post reminded me that the common things are often the most radiant. While I have yet to experience that for myself, I see it everyday with my parents. Despite the crazy my Mom can deliver, my Dad is still there to laugh with her. I am so lucky to have parents that still love each other, even as an almost grown-up myself. I'm happy to keep the faith when the evidence is all around.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (2:19 PM) : 

I have to say that my husband (of 6 months, bf of 8 ½ years) has to be the most loving, caring, thoughtful, graceful husband in the whole universe. He does so many wonderful things for me that I start to believe that every man is just like him. Not so! When I was a full time graduate student (just finished last November, woo hoo!), I also worked an 8-5 job. My days, evenings and late nights were dominated by work and school. He knew how busy (and stressed) I was so he took care of my laundry, dry cleaning, cooked for me, made sure my car was running well, took out the trash, washed the dishes, cleaned, loved me up and made sure I had more than enough emotional and moral support while in school. He opens doors for me, buys me presents he thinks I would love, protect me when he thinks a car might possibly run me over =-), encourage me to be fit and healthy, cover me when I am cold, brings me something cool when I’m hot, and does so many other countless loving and thoughtful things! He continues to do so even after 9 years of being together and even after I finished school. I am sooo lucky to have such a wonderful husband. When I am with him, I never worry about a thing and always feel so darn loved. I know that he is one of a kind. It’s so hard to top the kind of love he gives me, but every day I try my best to give him all the love I have inside of me. Every day is Valentine’s day for us.

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (2:22 PM) : 

I think posts like this illustrate readers are so dedicated to this blog. We associate Sart with fashion but know the author is representative of more.

 

Blogger Erin Aviles said ... (2:22 PM) : 

My boyfriend is all about the small stuff. He opens my car door first, pays my bill at the bar when I'm too "distracted" to notice the waitress and adds my groceries to his when I just want to get one or two things. Most of all, I love that it shows me that he does pay attention to the small details of life, which means I can depend on him when I'm forgetful or stressed. :)

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (2:26 PM) : 

YOU sir are a lovely lovely man. You have restored my faith not only in men but in humanity as well. All these comments from your readers are little love stories that warm my heart. I think its safe to say you have inspired all of us. Thank you Scott .

 

Blogger Frankie said ... (2:27 PM) : 

I work as I flight attendant and after every trip, be it 1 day or 10 days, my fiance meets me in the arrivals hall at the airport, gives me a hug and a kiss, then pushes my bags to the car and drives me home

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (2:31 PM) : 

What a lovely post.

I suppose the most graceful and endearing trait of my boyfriend is always, always putting others first. This is said all too often about women, but I think it gets overlooked when a man does it.

Time for me to go make him a great dinner since I have the afternoon off :)

 

Anonymous Catherine said ... (2:34 PM) : 

Ah, now this is why I love your blog so much - great photographs, and great CONTENT. I'm only twenty-one, but my boyfriend and I have been together for four years! I can't even remember every thing he has done for me, but I do plan on starting a journal soon to catalogue them. Anyway, I think one of the most charming things is when we're going to sleep at night, he usually falls asleep before I do. Sometimes, though, even when he's sleeping, he'll reach out and hold my hand, or put his hand on my head - even when he's in a deep slumber! It's the cutest thing. Love transcends consciousness, I think.

Anyway, thank you for keeping your blog as not only a great resource for street fashion, but as an inspiring forum as well. I love reading the other comments, and your own personal stories.

 

Blogger Qui said ... (2:36 PM) : 

he will always find something for me to eat if I say i'm feeling hungry and then he overfills the bowl to make sure i've had enough.
As a woman it's so rewarding to not have someone make you feel like a pig when you're just plain peckish.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (2:43 PM) : 

Mr. Schuman,

Ignore these folks trying to worsen your grammar. Your blog post is actually correct as it stands: " . . . share with us men" You wouldn't say "with we," now, would you?

Thank you for such talent and chivalry. How rare.

 

Anonymous Lluís (Barcelona) said ... (2:46 PM) : 

That's what my wife appreciates the most: gentelmenliness. It has nothing to do with money, big muscles or an extraordinary car. It's just having her in mind.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (2:46 PM) : 

One of the sweetest things my husband does for me every day is turns down the covers on my side of the bed before he leaves for work. We work opposite hours and this small gesture lets me know he is thinking of me even when I'm not there.

Lisa in Ohio

 

Blogger Ninjagaiden78 said ... (2:51 PM) : 

My manners come second nature since I was raised by my mother in the midwest. Saying "m'am," excuse me, holding the door open, and the big one - walking on the correct side of the street with a woman. You don't don't know much women look at that. Two reasons why I do these things: I am good person and I feel that women (who deserve it) should be treated like queens.

windowshop78.blogspot.com

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (2:51 PM) : 

My husband loathes eating fish, and I love it. He has taught himself to cook it so beautifully for me, that I never order it in a restaurant, because noone else can do it so well.

 

Blogger The Adventures of Liz said ... (2:52 PM) : 

he washed the cups after i made us espresso. by hand.

 

Blogger Kristin said ... (2:53 PM) : 

I work at Nordstrom as a customer service representative, and after reading this particular entry, a customer came to the counter asking me to gift-wrap a few lunches she had ordered to-go from our Cafe. At first, I thought this was an odd request, but the woman insisted that she has had it done for her in the past. When I finished gift-wrapping the lunches, she explained to me that they were for two of her dearest friends, and that they really enjoy it everytime she does it. I was taken aback and thought this was a true act of grace and kindness.

 

Anonymous Amelia said ... (2:55 PM) : 

It might be the mind set of the morning after two evenings of silence at home and finally talking it out last night, but this post hit a deep spot.

My boyfriend of 9 years is the kindest most sincere boy I've ever come across and I'm lucky to have him.

This reminded me to give back to him and make sure he knows I notice his little kindesses he offers me. I shouldn't need reminding but I'm human after all. Thanks from New Zealand.

 

Blogger Mina said ... (2:56 PM) : 

what a wonderful post, very nicely written :))

 

Anonymous susan e. said ... (2:58 PM) : 

the way that when i'm too tired to care, he steps in and takes over, making the decisions and knowing what i'll need so that i don't have to ask for them, be it what we'll have for dinner, or what we'll do in the evening after work, or taking care of our son when i simply have to take a break from it all for about ten minutes. i love making those decisions most of the time, but i equally love having that taken from me when i most need a break.

 

Blogger missdelite said ... (3:00 PM) : 

His consideration for my dietary restrictions is a plus in my book.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (3:02 PM) : 

I live in Chicago. It gets terribly cold and windy here. Before my boyfriend and I lived together he would pick me up in the morning to take me to work and have a cup of coffee (with soy milk and splenda) the way I like it waiting for me. Even though it was completely out of his way.

It's been 3 years and I still have a crush on my boyfriend.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (3:06 PM) : 

Hi Scott,
Very nice post. By the way, would you kindly let me know which book have you bought to your girls? About good manners for young ladies.
I'm actually searching for this kind of book... for me!
Many thanks for your feedback and...for your classy blog.
Albane.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (3:16 PM) : 

This is such a beautiful post, which reminded me to be more appreciative of the many little things my boyfriend does for me:

- He cooks dinner for me almost every night.
- He works only half the day on Friday and uses some of that time to do our laundry or run errands for us.
- He supports me in whatever impulsive decision I make, whether I'm planning for the weekend or for the year.
- He makes me laugh every day.

Sometimes you get so caught up in what's going on around you that you forget to stop and appreciate what you have. Thanks for posting this gentle reminder for everyone!

 

Anonymous Bianca said ... (3:17 PM) : 

..sigh..this is why I read your blog everyday, thank you so much for your frank and thoughtful comments, it's not only how you say it but it also feels like you say things to me. It moves me and it inspires me, thanks..

 

Anonymous Anna K. said ... (3:27 PM) : 

He draw a flower and a sun on the day of my soon coming birth day in his calendar.
very sweet!
Or when he said that he will made food for the birthday party and I just need to sit and watch.

I really like how you write about Garance and how Garance writes about you like in her post "Oh boys". I love love stories... :)

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (3:29 PM) : 

Really touching post. I usually follow your blog quietly, never commenting. But i felt this one deserved a written commendation. It really hit home with. If only consideration for others was a an active premise for all of us.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (3:33 PM) : 

I love emails that are properly punctuated. Capital letters, the well-placed comma, the em dash—I love them all. Also, when I know the sender has written the email on a smart phone rather than a computer, I appreciate the extra effort that correct punctuation has taken.

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (3:34 PM) : 

I've been quite sick for the last two months, and was feeling very discouraged. Though many of my friends expressed sympathy and care, one man sent me a very corny joke to cheer me up. It worked. He had taken the time to understand my personality and because of that was able to offer what others weren't. That's grace.

 

Blogger ALK JAL said ... (3:35 PM) : 

I have loved your blog for a few years now but never posted until today. What a moving and graceful post, Scott! The comments are lovely too. It really reminds me of all the wonderful things my boyfriend does for me.

The first moment I knew I loved him was when I caught him taking the trash out in my apartment without being asked, without telling me. That was almost 5 years ago. Last weekend I came home from work and he had put the laundry in, because he found it sitting out ready to go. He is so thoughtful and selfless.

Thank you for the post!

 

Blogger beck said ... (3:47 PM) : 

my man makes my bed on the days he gets to sleep in when i have to run off to work. but even better than that are the times i find little drawings hidden for me around my apartment. just things he sees and draws, knowing i love finding them. i now have a drawer full...

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (3:58 PM) : 

I kind of feel as if some posters are missing the point of grace and manners...I don't feel it's about the gift or sweet nothings a person may do for us but the everyday manner in which our partner exists not just for us but other people.

The man who hold a door for all women.
The waiter at a non-fancy restaurant who folds the napkin when a diner leaves the table.
The woman who redirects a conversation when she's senses someone is uncomfortable.
The guy who looks you in the eye and without a word casually brushes a crumb off your face in such a way that it's more sexy than embarrassing.
The person who always trying to include everyone (including the most shy) into a conversation.

To me, this is grace and manners at it's finest.

 

Blogger Noelle said ... (3:59 PM) : 

I'm currently single but am fortunate enough to have a brother who happens to be a gentleman. If I am ever the one to drive, and we stop for gas, he always gets out and pumps the gas for me. True gentleman always pump gas for women, thanks brother.

 

Anonymous Sarah said ... (4:02 PM) : 

Everytime I'm spenting the evening in his place he gets me cofee and milk in bed - and he doesn't drinks neither.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (4:03 PM) : 

Manners form an important part of your life. In current times, when people are sick and fed up of the "me me me" attitude, they find great comfort and happiness through acts as ordinary as holding the dooor open; or as complex as assisting a complete stranger.
My dad always said to me that "manners maketh the man", and I don't know where he got it from. But it has affected virtually all of my movements towards others; and consequently both friends, family, lovers & business acquaintences respond to me far greater than I deserve.

To manners, I thank you.

 

Anonymous Amy E said ... (4:04 PM) : 

it is surely the little things, but not any one specific little thing. It's almost the routine and structure that he brings my life with the little things he does...all of them together make me feel so safe and loved.

 

Anonymous Catherine said ... (4:06 PM) : 

I think the most gracious gesture a boyfriend of mine ever did was when the day after a friend and I had each performed public monologues for a drama class, he surprised us both with a rose. Red for me, and pink for her. He'd given me roses before (including getting down on one knee with a dozen red ones to ask me to be his girlfriend)and I loved it every time. But what made this gesture so wonderful was that he'd had the consideration to include her in it. The way her face lit up completely enhanced my own experience. It was the first time a guy had given her a rose, and it didn't matter to anyone that it was my guy doing so. Except maybe her boyfriend who hadn't thought of it...

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (4:06 PM) : 

My husband takes the time to make my latte just how I like it and always puts a heart in the foam. He also leaves my toothbrush out with the paste on it in the evening. He is great in many other ways, but it is the small gestures that seem the most special.

 

Anonymous Héloïse said ... (4:09 PM) : 

Hmm your post is making me melt, it's great! You and Garance are perfect. I must say I too have the luck of having found someone who surprises me with a quick note when he has to leave early, who buys a bottle of champagne making a normal day not so normal, who choose the perfect baby name - the name I always dreamed off - before he knew that it was.

 

Blogger Rebecca Winelist said ... (4:16 PM) : 

My best friend, since we were 14, helps me to put on and to put off my coat, he always holds the door for me, he makes sure my glass is never empty and so on. But most of all he makes me feel special, more clever and more elegant than everybody else. I'm so lucky to have him, he makes me a better person every day 'cause he sees me that way.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (4:26 PM) : 

Beautiful post. I too saw the scene from 30 Rock, and I admired the little attentiveness Jack showed.

Personally, it is hard for me to fall for someone. When he calls to just hear my voice or fly out to Paris to visit me when I was gone for three months (actually happened), I have to constantly remind myself that falling can happen and I can lose myself in the process. For me, having someone who just listens. Understands that I still have my life, but wants to be a part of it. By ending the day with guy who remembers the little things I talked about the day before, I am completely overjoyed.

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (4:31 PM) : 

My boyfriend showed up one night while I was working at the desk of a yoga studio. He brought my favorite, kiffles, a Harry Connick Jr. CD, and a Boyz II Men CD for the throwback quality. Another time he washed my car, just because.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (4:32 PM) : 

Great post and wonderful idea. I will fall all over a man who makes me coffee that way I like it. Extra points if delivered to me as I am getting out of bed because I am no good without coffee

 

Blogger karola said ... (4:46 PM) : 

'It doesn't matter who you're lovin', it's how you're lovin'!'

THE SIMPLE TRUTH!

 

Blogger Margaret Everton said ... (4:52 PM) : 

When we first met in a crowded room, and he looked back at to end of the long line we were in (in which, for some reason, I was the only woman) and said, "Excuse me, would you like to take my place here at the front?"

Whoa baby.

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (4:54 PM) : 

one of your most beautiful posts :)

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5:03 PM) : 

Scott thank you for this. This filled an empty day with hope for me. As I am always aware of my actions in front of women; especially one that I am interested in, I make an effort to pay attention to detail and do little things that would please her. unfortunately for me, I will not have a valentine this year although I do have someone I am always thinking about, and I hope it's the same way for her. I'm just hoping that true love waits.

 

Blogger Stephanie said ... (5:04 PM) : 

Grace: not just between a man and a woman who love each other, but also between complete strangers.

Some things I like and always do:

Holding the door open for people behind you, especially if their hands are full.

Acknowledging people on the street and smiling at them. (This one makes my day every single time. Just yesterday, I was staring out the window of my mom's car when I saw a man on a wheelchair about to cross the street. He caught my eye, nodded and smiled. I smiled back. Two strangers acknowledging each other happily. How lovely is that?)

Look someone in the eyes when you thank them.

Etc...too many to list!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5:12 PM) : 

I met my husband 20 years ago when we were 20 year old students.
He's not a big one for romantic gestures but on Valentine's day last year, he was away on business and he sent me a text message saying (imagine this being said in a French accent) "Half my life I with you and still I love you so"

 

Anonymous Grace said ... (5:18 PM) : 

Beautiful post, Scott.

These are a few of the lovely things my fiance still does for me, even though we've seen each other almost every day for the last 10 years:

- Puts my vitamins out every morning

- Kills spiders that get in the house, even though he's more afraid of them than I am

- In his endearingly nerdy way, sings me the theme song from "Smallville" when I ask him to sing me a lullaby

www.cultofclothes.com

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (5:19 PM) : 

My boyfriend leaves before me in the morning, and he always arranges my watch, keys, ipod, and cell phone on the kitchen counter because he knows I will be frantic and late looking for them if he doesn't find them first.

Happy Valentine's Day!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5:31 PM) : 

My lovely partner does lots of graceful, appreciative things, but one of my favourites is that he always takes down a towel to pass to me as I get out of the shower.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5:32 PM) : 

Your photos have been a constant inspiration for me, in expressing my style, and now I am inspired to express my appreciation of those loving gestures from my husband of 20 years, no matter how stupid, at times, I may feel those gestures to be!!
Thank-you for making the world more beautiful than you found it.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5:32 PM) : 

Grace lies not within the gesture, but how the gesture is perform. A gesture could actually leave a bad impression if done without any thought. However, when thought is put into it even if it's subconscious it can be the thing to make someone fall in love.

 

Blogger Fueling Unicorns said ... (5:34 PM) : 

to simply be a more graceful man for my graceful woman.

-That is really beautiful.

It's true too. As a woman, I notice he nuances of gentlemanly behavior not just inthe way I am treated but in the way a man treats others who are around us. It's not "extra" it's good manners and form. I hold doors for others and go out of my way to be courteous. It's the least I expect from those I keep company with whether dating or not.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5:34 PM) : 

This is useful as a gay reader too. It isn't one of us that acts like a gentleman, we both do. :)

 

Blogger Casilda said ... (5:35 PM) : 

Nice post, I think I´m very lucky, my boyfriend usually comes to drive me home from the university after a long day working, he always ask me how was my day, and for xmas he gave me a big bucket of popcorn cause he knows i love them and i never eat them.

Kind Regards from Spain.

Cas

 

Anonymous Indie Mom and the Reluctant Banker said ... (5:35 PM) : 

I love that my boyfriend holds the door for me, carries my bag if it's heavy, let's me get the better seat in restaurants, offers me his jacket if I'm cold, all of those slightly old fashioned things. I love that he always insists on taking care of everything around the house when I have an exam coming up, so I can focus on studying instead. I love that he tells me I'm beautiful when I'm feeling everything but that.

I feel like a very, very lucky woman to be loved by him. Thank you for reminding me of this.

 

Blogger laphil said ... (5:36 PM) : 

Meeting me at the subway even when I don't ask, but he can tell it's been a long day!

And, the traffic side of the street. An oldie, but always a beautiful sign of attention.

 

Blogger X said ... (5:37 PM) : 

What a beautiful post.

 

Blogger EB said ... (5:39 PM) : 

My fiancé is always on top of the little things (and the big ones). He jumps to open the car door for me, he moves quickly to open other doors for me, he carries my stuff, he loves on my cats (even though he's not a cat person)....the list is endless.

The other morning he boiled two eggs to slice with our lunch, and grumbled that one had "spoiled" in the boiling...he left for work before me, and when I opened my lunch I discovered he'd left the good egg for me. Of course he had, that's how he always is.

He is kind to my crazy, and crazy about me.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5:47 PM) : 

My son is 21 and very handsome but couldn't care less about his appearance--thinks it's hilarious to indulge in crude humor, pretends to like not bathing,etc. BUT--his 'at-home' persona is really a way of letting off steam. It's lovely to see him in company--he's so well-mnnered and respectful, so interested in other cultures and ways of doing things. Sometimes the right context can bring out the best in someone.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (5:52 PM) : 

Love your post! It is about the small things in live that really care. When you feel and see that your man is doing graceful things for you, you then also want to give it back. Then you will have a much more satisfying relationship en the chemistry is right.
Little thing (for example my boyfriend does):
When I am tired after a long working, I take a hot shower and go to bed early with a good book. When I hear the sound of him cleaning up in the kitchen etc, it just gives me a happy and save feeling.
He always opens the door for me everywhere and let me go first, also the door of the car (still after 6 years!)
Often compliments how I look, about what I wear, or my make-up (really!!)
weekly fresh flowers ;-) !!

Happy Valentine's day!

 

Anonymous stephaniepress said ... (5:53 PM) : 

As I walked back to the car one night after dinner with a male friend, he had stopped to touch a bush that was in the path. Then he asked me to come back and touch it as well. He said that it looked soft, so he wanted to touch it and find out. Then he called me back to come see and share in it with him. And it was very soft. Beautiful!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (6:03 PM) : 

a handwritten-card from my man always blows me away.

you're so right about women noticing and valuing 'the small stuff'. thanks for that post, mr. schuman!

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (6:04 PM) : 

one of the first things I noticed when I started dating my boyfriend was that when we walked down the bustling streets of New York arm in arm, he somehow always noticed when there was something yucky like gum on the ground, or a grill where my heels might slip through, and made sure to guide me out of the way.
Its the little things like that that let you know someone really wants to take care of you, even more than you would normally take care of yourself!

 

Anonymous jen said ... (6:07 PM) : 

such a nice post, and I always notice when adults and children have grace and nice manners...
My man is extremely thoughtful, as is his father which makes sense...
I recently expressed how I'd be interested to see Tim Burton's version of Alice in Wonderland; My man has a collection of beautifully bound fairytales(an investement for the future and for children)and he suggested we read a chapter of Alice every night to each other, in anticipation of the film. It is so lovely and we go to bed a little earlier each night to enjoy this ritual. He's very very thoughful and I appreciate it so much!

 

Blogger Unknown said ... (6:13 PM) : 

What a lovely idea! But unfortunately I can't think of anything, despite being in a relationship for 5 months. Thanks for reminding me that some men really are gentlemen, and believe in showing women that they care.
bisoux

 

Blogger Smitten2010 said ... (6:20 PM) : 

Finding that you have a full tank of gas in the morning when you are late to work puts a big smile on my face and makes my heart flutter!

BTW, Garrance is very lucky!

 

Blogger Shannon Lambert said ... (6:29 PM) : 

We were at a very crowded standing room only concert and my boyfriend searched for 30 minutes to find a chair for my friend who had recently torn a muscle in her knee. It was the first time he had met my friend and I was proud he made such an impression without being asked too and without making a show of it. He just walked away without saying a word, and I knew instantly where he went and why.

It's his superhero in disguise personality that makes him graceful. His willingness to go to extreme lengths for something that will please me and his knack for small actions and surprises that make each day a lovely one with him.

 

Blogger Katelyn said ... (6:31 PM) : 

Simply seeing a nice big smile every time your man sees you, goes a long way. Even if you have a bad day, or you're feeling down, or nervous. When someone you love greets you with a big smile like you're the best part of your day, not much can top that.

Among other things, just telling your significant other how nice they look. A lot of people put work into their appearance every day and sometimes it can feel unrewarding. My man taught me that ;)

 

Anonymous Rebecca said ... (6:32 PM) : 

On the mornings I work from home, my boyfriend brings coffee to me in bed. It is the one of many sweet, sweet things he does for me every day. LOVE HIM!

 

Anonymous Racheld said ... (6:33 PM) : 

I have to say that the kindest thing I have seen in a long time was not something that happened to me. At work a group of us were standing at the window watching it snow and an older lady started to clean off her car to go home. One of the gentlemen watching ran down the stairs and finished the job for her. Those are the kind of selfless manners that are rare in society today. I find that true manners are expressed through putting others before ones self, rather than just being polite.

 

Anonymous Anonymous said ... (6:35 PM) : 

I think the height of courtliness is when someone takes the time to consider something that they know is important to you, even if it isn't really of interest to them at all. My boy is the scruffiest anti-sartorial fellow, who throws on an old Tee and jeans whatever we do, always takes the trouble to give me a brief on the viability of wearing heels. For example he'll say: Parking around there's a bit tricky so we may need to walk a few blocks .... you might want to wear flats. Naturally I never do wear the flats but I appreciate his thinking ahead and being concerned with my comfort. In addendum I should say that if I ever whimp out of the walk, having ignored his warning, he's cool with getting a cab! Goodness knows I what I do for him to deserve his sweetness!

 

Blogger Marius said ... (7:02 PM) : 

Dylan Jones, The editor of GQ wrote a brilliant book called " Mr Jones`rules for the modern man". I would advice every man to read it. Also check out a website called The impossible Cool for inspiration from the good old guys.

All the best and thanks for great pics and inspiration.

 

Blogger stephany said ... (7:07 PM) : 

his one little kindness would be that he carries my books in school for me without ever me having to ask him. They are very heavy, and I just love that about him.

 

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